Up That Hill

Half way around the world, moments like this come before work and after work for me when I was at my job in Hong Kong: my mood strung onto each tune, the melodies would take me far far away. Sometimes, to places where I have never been, sometimes, to places I am all too familiar, sometimes, to places that I could have gone, but never will, and at other times, to places that I will never return to. I would often look out the window on the train on the way home, and out of the corner of my eye, I would watch the reflection of my face change to the neon and chrome outside and each song I hear. I would think to myself, "So, is this it? This is life? If it is, then I screwed it up real bad." On the bad days, I would think to myself, I wouldn't care if I fell off the cliff. I wouldn't care if I died.

I would have to walk up a hill to get home each night. I loved walking up that hill at 11pm when no one was around, just me and the orange street lamps, with the road obsured by the midnight mist, the only time I would have to take a look at myself. And I would just stand there, while the silence washed all the memories to my eyes and spill, everything I had tucked away when I escaped by running half way around the world to stand here and be honest with myself: What do I want to do with my life? When am I actually going to start loving myself instead of looking for someone else to love me and make up for what I wouldn't do for myself? (yeah, and all the while, I wonder why I've got all these boy problems, huh?) When am I going to start coming out of the shadow that once was misfortune, but is now just an excuse for being scared?

I think I'm much better now. Turning 23 last week just made me think about moving onward. I have something to look forward to. I have friends, I have my family, I have lots to do in my life ... if I care about myself enough to do it. And I know being around people who are supportive and care about me will help me recover -- us living together will definitely help, not just me, but hopefully you, too. I don't think I ever completely recovered from everything since the beginning of college. I don't think people truly recover; it's just a matter of how we cope after we get so hurt. I think things were just a downward spiral since freshman year (you remember). It's been a long way to fall, and a longer way to climb back up, but ultimately, I'll get there.