Why I have never studied Russia (don't read this)

I AM SUCH A DORK. THIS PART OF A CONVERSATION WENT ON FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES ON ... PRETTY MUCH NOTHING! I'm such a dork, crazy, random, and weird. ahhh!

Skycrystal2005: for whatever reason, I never studied much about Russia, even though it's so close to China.
Skycrystal2005: They've had relations for a long long time.
Skycrystal2005: The people along the northern borders of China are taller, and have taller nose bridges and some have blue eyes.
Skycrystal2005: and they, they are Chinese.
Skycrystal2005: hahaha.
Skycrystal2005: Same with people to the West.
Skycrystal2005: just GORGEOUS people.
Skycrystal2005: just ... atypical.
Skycrystal2005: but for whatever reason, I just never came around to studying them.
Skycrystal2005: And everytime I think about Russia, I don't even think vodka, I think about ... white. Just snow, storms, and cold, and I just shudder.
Skycrystal2005: And then I think about poverty, military, blonde, ....
Skycrystal2005: and then the cold comes back, and I wouldn't feel like studying them anymore.
Skycrystal2005: So I'd get distracted by something else.
dev1779: haha
Skycrystal2005: The same thing goes with Scandanavia.
dev1779: huh
Skycrystal2005: I know way more about things in countries that are less ... uh, snowy ... than those that are sunny.
Skycrystal2005: oops.
Skycrystal2005: i meant I know more about countries that are warmer.
Skycrystal2005: That's really kinda funny. I just realized that because I'm looking at the map on my wall in front of me right now. ... Ok, I'll shut up now.

This Made My Day. Hope It'll Make Yours, Too!

HOPE THIS MADE YOUR DAY =)

Change of Plans: PSU MIM

Ok, so I put a halt to my job hunt and decided to apply to the Portland State University Master of International Management program.

Yes, a sudden change of plans. I am known for that.

I'm very easily entertained, but I am not very easily impressed. Given that piece of information, you would then know for me to be impressed with the PSU MIM program says a lot. There are so many cool things about it, especially the fact that it's very much East Asian culture, language and political science focused, which totally suits my undergraduate background in international relations, Chinese, poli sci and business. It is definitely very hands-on, very creative and very relevant to both my BA studies and the real world. I will also have a chance to go on a field study to Japan, Shanghai and Beijing in late February. I am also considering volunteering for either Mercy Corps or something else in my spare time, while doing rock climbing.

Another thing: this program is only for a year. HA! I'll have my MA by next summer -- fall, if I want to specialize in something, which, for now, I would like to look into global business sustainability.

I never thought that I would study business, which I've always believed was a half-ass major in college. Hey, who would have thought that an IS major (international studies) would be in business now?

I am actually excited to do this, if permitted. I haven't gotten in yet, but I believe there's a good chance I will. But then again, we never know. I'll just do my best.

I think I'll be doing something international related for two or three years after the program. Then, I'm wondering if I might be interested in joining the Peace Corps ... FINALLY. I've always wanted to do it, but too many things in my life have happened that changed my mind. After that? Who knows? Ph.D. program? Government job? Whoa, law school idea suddenly crept up again! Hey, after all, the Peace Corps puts a good mark on your resume, has really good connections with Ph.D. programs around the country. I have my eyes set on Duke -- haha! And hey, priority consideration with government jobs (USAID sounds pretty cool for now).

The possibilities are endless. Let's discover them.

Right Back Here

And for the first time, I started to realize that I don't see what people see in me.

My mother kept saying: "You can do it; I know you can."

But I honestly have no idea how she'd know and what she sees. And honestly, when I look into the mirror, I only think about how I can improve on how I look because I don't know how to improve on anything else. So for the last half a year abroad, even though I have learn a thing or two, but overall, I feel like I'm right back at step one.

Where has my motivation gone? What is wrong with me and what's happened to me? I don't even know. When I think back to how hard I used to work on my homework and how I strived to be the best, that just seems so long ago, and I can barely relate to that because I'm so far away from that now.

Is this called 'rock bottom'? Is this rock bottom for me? How do people bounce back? I keep thinking that I need help, that I need someone to help me along, but who can? There's just me.

My mom's right. I'm the only one.

What is so hard about picking myself up? What is wrong with me? I keep asking myself that. And just when I thought I have grown up after my overseas experience, I still feel I'm right back where I started.

My mom thinks that I look awful. I have no spirit in my eyes, my face .... And no one can have faith in me when I can't have faith in myself. That, I know.

Faith. Is that what I lack? Where can I find it? In the end, I'm alone to help myself.

I do have an idea that as soon as I start standing up, I'll figure out what it is that I have lost all along.

But help me.

Around and Back

There's really nothing important or urgent or philosophically deep to say today, but I guess that's ok ... unless you were actually expecting something, in which case you can come back later.

I'm in Eugene, Oregon right now. This is the little tiny, barren, but wet, hippie, liberal with an attitude, weird little (did I mention that already?) town where I went to college. The University of Oregon. Ah, yeah, the Ducks.

I can assure you that nothing really changes in Eugene. Well, maybe some things, like if the floors got flooded this winter, then they'll have to change them. But otherwise, this place just stays largely static ... except for its people.

The people changed. The people I went through college with, I just realized, moved on. New people came. And the previous connections you had with the place because of the people are suddenly ...

*POOF*

Gone.

And you realize the buildings, the spots, every step, every brick looks different no matter how familiar they seem on the outside.

(Guess they're right; the people always makes the place.)

You also realize how far away from 10 months ago you have travelled.

For me, it's half around the world and more.

Idealistic Offerings

What does this life have to offer?

To many people, about 80% of it, it's sub-human hardships. To the rest of them, it's uncertainties and insecurities that come from being superficially fulfilled.

To me, I think it's aspirations and hope that I can somehow make a difference to at least some people in my time here on earth, in this life, no matter in which corner of the world, under whichever sky I happen to wander to.

And no matter how hard it is to hope for better for the collective good nowadays, I honestly believe that I'm not alone. There are others who think like me and feel like me.

(Where are you?

Speak up and act.)

Announcement

I'm leaving Hong Kong tomorrow morning and will be back in Oregon at 12:33pm on Monday.

I can't believe it ... but I'M SAD!

More to say later.

To Think About

Wow. I'm actually sad for never being able to be that certain someone for a complete stranger. It doesn't matter how I can stand by someone, how strong I can be for someone, how good I can be for someone ... it has no bearing. Because life is not governed by how good I am. It has a mind and purpose of its own.

My whole "weekend event" with someone I met here just made me question a lot of stuff, like time, space, chance, morals and ethics, truth, love, intuition, expectations, regrets ....

Everyone Wants to be Saved ...

... but we never let us save ourselves.

Waiting for the knight in shinning armor ...

but it can't always be his job now, can it?

Because!

To quote Tracey, "Because I'm a Fuck'n Idiot!"

That's all I have to say about my current state.

Remember

Remember that I said the day before April Fool's Day that my eyes were puffy? I said that the puffiness meant something was going to happen and it would make me cry.

... It actually happened. I cried.

This whole omen thing and zodiac signs are freaking me out. It's been so true throughout.

I walked by the paths that we walked through. I walked to the spot where we shared our stories by the river. The steps were flooded with orange from the street lamps like it did during our time there, but there sat no one.

I almost want to capture the scenery on videotape and remember it forever. I feel greedy. I feel like I want more. I wish I could put everything in a little box, and I would carry it with me always.

I hate feeling empty like I do.

Hit and Run

The final farewell after 2 and half days of what felt like way longer than that. I never expected this, but I also never expected I could be so at ease with a stranger.

Forget me not.

Martin, the German Boy

I am ALMOST (excuse me, I said almost, so don't misunderstand) in love with a boy named Martin from Germany. So so so cute. So much fun to talk to, and so much fun to listen to! I totally have a thing for guys with language abilities.

Now, if only he doesn't have a girlfriend of 7 years, and this all happened somewhere else more convenient (ie. I'm not leaving in a week, etc.), ....

PS. Rooftops are the best places for making out ... I mean! ... learning German.