Right Back Here

And for the first time, I started to realize that I don't see what people see in me.

My mother kept saying: "You can do it; I know you can."

But I honestly have no idea how she'd know and what she sees. And honestly, when I look into the mirror, I only think about how I can improve on how I look because I don't know how to improve on anything else. So for the last half a year abroad, even though I have learn a thing or two, but overall, I feel like I'm right back at step one.

Where has my motivation gone? What is wrong with me and what's happened to me? I don't even know. When I think back to how hard I used to work on my homework and how I strived to be the best, that just seems so long ago, and I can barely relate to that because I'm so far away from that now.

Is this called 'rock bottom'? Is this rock bottom for me? How do people bounce back? I keep thinking that I need help, that I need someone to help me along, but who can? There's just me.

My mom's right. I'm the only one.

What is so hard about picking myself up? What is wrong with me? I keep asking myself that. And just when I thought I have grown up after my overseas experience, I still feel I'm right back where I started.

My mom thinks that I look awful. I have no spirit in my eyes, my face .... And no one can have faith in me when I can't have faith in myself. That, I know.

Faith. Is that what I lack? Where can I find it? In the end, I'm alone to help myself.

I do have an idea that as soon as I start standing up, I'll figure out what it is that I have lost all along.

But help me.