Private Stuff

I mean well, so please read this.

It's kinda late, but I can't really sleep. By all realistic standards, I probably shouldn't even be writing you for my sanity's sake -- I'm not done hurting yet, and I probably won't for a very very long time.

But really, I just want to tell you what I think, and I really hope that one day, you'll come to open your mind and your heart about my ideas and my way of thinking.

First of all, I really want to tell you: today, I found myself feeling terrible for all the times that I must have hurt you during our relationship and lately with the break up. There's no true excuse for hurting someone I love.

I AM SORRY, BRIAN.

And ... I thought about what went wrong -- what happened and WHY. It's too easy and convenient to blow it off "it's not supposed to be this hard" or "it just didn't work" or "you/I just didn't try hard enough". I think for our own sake, we should be wondering why it didn't work if we indeed loved each other so much.

I wonder maybe it's because we had such great but unplanned expectations for each other and the relationship -- I noticed that we never seriously made realistic and open-minded assessments of how we wanted to put our lives together. We never took the time for a serious conversation about all that, and we just assumed many things. The differences between our lives and personalities is one thing, but not having understood each other's stand point, not having done any detailed planning or in-depth talking definitely made things go downhill. Despite of what we know about ourselves and each other, we weren't exactly successful with working with each other because, while we went with our instincts, we didn't do the "homework", so to speak. I think that's why things turned out to disappoint.

I really wish that we had more opportunities to think and work at the relationship instead of a complete end (it could have been a break or a different alternative) -- I thought the relationship mattered that much. I wish that you had given me some sort of a sign ... just something ... when you started seeing red flags and wanted to end the relationship. Instead of getting angry or frustrated at my problems, I wish that we could have had a sit-down talk where I could have told you everything about me and what brought me here to make you see the whole picture. That really could have helped a lot more than just 100 "I love yous" a day or making love or any scrapbook or dates. But of course, I am also assuming that the relationship was actually worth that much to you in the first place, along with your career and everything else -- I wish that I could have known how far away from the top of your list I was, so that I could have invested my emotions differently ... because I was really truly ready to spend the rest of my life with you, just like we had talked about. That's why I got so devastated.

No, please don't take me wrong. I'm not trying to "get back together" or persuade you in any direction other than to calmly tell you what I think and HOPE that you'll receive it with an open-mind. I really hope that you will give it some thought -- we owe it to ourselves to think about what had happened during the past year we spent together and grow from there. Maybe after some in-depth thought and some growing up, you can share with me what you think.

Even though we're not MySpace friends, you can still e-mail me or message me here.

Until next time, please take care.

~ Shorty