To Brian

Your suddenly cold attitude, the wall you built, the mask you wear, the things you do to distance yourself from me ... what are you hiding? What is hurting you?

Still untreated wounds from the last relationship? Your ego? Your childhood? Your losses?

Can you not imagine a life free from such baggages, fears, and walls? Is that why you're trying to grow up so fast, so soon ... before you're ready? Maybe you think growing up will bring you something at least different, if not better? What exactly are you trying so desperately to leave behind?

Did you make up absolutes in your life and extremely logical definitions to find the stability that you don't have inside, to gain control?

Is this why you have a hard time understanding how others feel ... because you fear your own steady, instinctively survival-oriented perception of the world will be shaken, and also because you were brought up like that ... your father is like that?

Do you understand that I was 'unmotivated' because I was troubled? It wasn't because I 'changed' as a person. I've always been the person I am to the core. I just have baggage, like you and everyone else. All I needed was some time, some faith in me, some support to lift me up ... like I wanted and would have given you. I know I have flaws. I'm coarse and unrefined. And there are SO MANY things that I should have done differently, and I was slowly learning and still am learning now. Time. I wish we had more of that.

But were you afraid of my baggage because you fear it would cage you up? You just don't want to be hurt again like you did, do you. You just don't want to give more than you expect to receive, like your last relationship. You're afraid to lose. (But don't you see? With me, it's different. It's always been. My love for you was infinite.)

Did you deny these problems' existence so that you wouldn't have to deal with them ... because you feel safer not to deal with them, and instead you chose to deal with only the complete tangibles of life, like career, bills, music, fixing things, getting drunk, sex? (But the problems are still there, you know.)

I know you're entitled to doing what you feel, but what do you feel? I think you hardly know. Behind all the tangible things in life, what else is there? Perhaps all the things that you don't want to see. Maybe your selfishness is a form of (unnecessary) self-protection.

Whether you admit it or not, or even are conscious of it or not, I know you are struggling with something inside -- and I have at least a hunch of what you're dealing with. I know you ... more than you know.

I know you tried to love me, but considering the circumstance, you really couldn't love me the way you wanted to ... and the way I deserve. I can only let go of you to deal with your problems the way you do.

So go. Fly.

I just hope that you will understand finally how much more wonderful your life could be like if you will actually face life. The goal in our lives really is to become better people, to be who we want to be, to expand our capabilities to make more of a difference. So, who do you want to be? What do you want to mean to others? Just like you wanted to show me the world through your eyes (and even though you didn't know, I learned so much through every little thing you did -- I loved you for it), I wanted to show you the world through mine, too. If you had given me a chance, I could have changed your life.

My pain. The pain you caused me will not fade so easily and so soon. Please don't say that you tried to ease my pain during our last days. You didn't, and you couldn't. But somehow, with my resilience, I will learn to let go and finally forgive even though you don't know to ask for it ... it really is for me and my peace of mind anyway.

But above all, and I wish you could read this and know this (maybe if I think it really really hard, you might be able to hear my thoughts): Despite everything, despite my pain, I hope that you'll finally be happy, just like I will be.